The #2 reason people don’t pursue their dreams is that the suffering they feel while doing some activity is larger than the pleasure they feel doing it.
Pain bigger than gain. This never works. This is because starting something always implies change. Change is risky and scary. Maybe we are miserable right now but at least we know where we stand. If we start doing something new, the matters might become worse. Therefore many people don’t even start. One of the two ways for us to initiate change is when the pain of not doing it is larger when doing it. Let’s say you want to write a book. But writing books is a painful and tedious process, isn’t it? Or so we think. Majority of people don’t even start. From those who start only a small percentage finish. And from those who finish writing the book, even a smaller number dare to show it to the world. Maybe I haven’t written a book yet but at least I know that I won’t have to suffer the embarrassment of not finishing it. Or imagine you want to create a painting but you don’t know how to do it. You don’t know where to start or what materials to use. And of course deep inside you have this thought that it might not come out the way you wanted. Of course it won’t. Because your taste is better than the skill yet. You can imagine a better painting than to make it reality. So many people don’t bother even to try to build up this skill. What about creating a business venture? Maybe you wanted to start living your life on your own terms, stop going to this 9-5 job in which you do things that don’t matter to you. Maybe you want to be self-employed and pursue your dreams this way. But with your new life-style comes a whole set of new risks and pains. Again maybe your dreams won’t lead you anywhere. Maybe the market doesn’t want what you can offer to them. Maybe you don’t know what to offer to the market. Maybe the market conditions will change and you won’t be able to adapt. Maybe you don’t have the time to pull this off. Maybe, maybe, maybe… The list of excuses grows longer by the day. And they all are valid excuses. Because right now perhaps you at least have a roof above your head and something to eat every day. But when you are on your own, you may lose all of this. The pain is bigger than gain. With this attitude you can only initiate change when you hit rock bottom. Alcoholics can only decide to quit drinking when the pain of being drunk and miserable is more unbearable than the pain when they walk around sober every second thinking about the booze. Someone can only starting living a life on their own terms when the pain they feel in the current job outweighs the risks associated of being a freelancer or a solopreneur. If you have a book inside you, you will only start writing it when the pain you feel when not writing is bigger than when you write. The same can be said about painting, playing an instrument, creating music, anything. You create only when you can’t live without creating. But there is another way. You can start doing some creative activity, if the task is so tiny and manageable that the risk is really very small. And the pleasure will be larger than this risk and pain of doing it. For example, instead of committing to writing a book, you can write 100 words daily and post them on your blog. To write 100 words takes less than 15 minutes. But in less than one year, you will have a small book ready to publish on Amazon. That’s what I’m doing right now. Or instead of committing to start painting, draw one page a day in your pocket notebook. Again it takes 15 minutes a day and before you know it, you will have built up your skill of drawing and ready to publish your art as a collection in a book. Instead of composing a symphony, create only 4 measures of your musical piece for a solo instrument. Pretty soon you will have the confidence to expand the length into a longer composition for an ensemble. Instead of committing of learning to play difficult sonatas and fugues on an instrument, sit down and play for 15 minutes every day. It will be fun. Anybody can do it. Instead of building up your muscles in strenuous workout routine for an hour daily, do some push-ups first thing in the morning. Or run around the block. Or simply go for a walk. Instead of quitting your job and facing the uncertainty of building your own life-style business, do it on the side while you’re still working. Do it in the evenings and weekends. Spend only 15 minutes a day for starters. You see, then gain becomes bigger than pain. Then you are setting yourself up for success.
Comments
Yesterday evening one reader on Medium suggested visualizing me doing 2 pull-ups to which I replied that if this is going to be effective, I’m going to visualize myself doing 3 pull-ups.
And I did. While lying in bed before going to sleep I imagined myself doing 3 pull-ups. Grabbing those rings and slowly pulling myself up and lowering myself down 3 times. So first thing in the morning I wrote a 400 hundred word post, published it and went to the garden to exercise. I tried to do 3 pull-ups but instead was able to finish 2 of them. They were not perfect and not smooth - you know that jerking motion. But I did 2 pull-ups! That felt like a small victory. Like punching a bad guy in the face and successfully running away! Because this was my first try for 2 pull-ups, I decided after 2 minutes of rest while picking apples to take it easy and do a dead hang for 20 seconds. Actually, this wasn’t that easy because it took longer - more stamina was needed. After 2 minutes of rest I did one more pull-up. This time it was smoother. I felt progressing already. At that point I think I rested for 2 minutes while eating an apple. Then came another 20 second dead hang, more difficult to do than the first. My hands started losing grip but I didn’t fall. I then picked more apples after that for 2 minutes and came back to the rings to do one last pull-up. Now my hands felt a little bit shaky and I tried to lift my head as high as possible to make it easier. Actually I didn’t think I could pull it off. But I did… If visualizing 3 pull-ups yesterday let me do 2 for real, would visualizing myself do 4 tonight prepare me for 3 tomorrow? The #1 reason people don’t pursue their dreams is that they have not yet found the bravery within themselves to believe they can do it.
That’s why I haven’t named my recent challenge From 0 to 100 Pull-Ups. I didn’t have the bravery to believe it could be done. But I thought 10 Pull-Ups is something even I can attempt. Because I have done many challenges in the past (successfully and not) it was easy for me to recalibrate my goal so that I would find my bravery again. But can you teach someone to be brave in this respect? If I person hasn’t done enough creative activities yet, is it possible to change into a bravely creative person? Not if you always preach to them. If you tell them how they should behave or create. I don’t think it works. Talking from the mountain only alienates people. But I think I found what works. At least for me. Show, don’t tell. If I can document my creative experiments (even the way I’m doing it right now) and lead by example, some people around me would slowly start paying attention. This is how Ausra started drawing Pinky and Spiky comic strips. At first she saw me do it for a couple of months, then she felt intrigued enough start doing it herself. Now she does it every day, just like me. More recently Ausra’s nephew who is 18 asked me to teach him about entrepreneurship. He has now doubt seen my online activities for a long time. But only now he has found the bravery start experimenting with his growing passion for photography. So you see, people need time to find bravery. Not everybody jumps into the dark pool at night head down right away. Most people do a little wading first to make sure it’s safe. On the flip side of this we have to stay humble and not to look down on others. Yes, I’m doing some creative experiments right now. So what? Thousands of people are making even more life-changing things. Therefore we have to be patient and careful not to judge people. Not to say, “this person will never be creative”. Because you never know the amount of influence and inspiration you’re having on others. People will be inspired not necessarily by what we do but by independence we have over our work. Yay! This morning I did my first pull-up!
After one of my readers expressed doubt whether or not it was healthy to work out after breakfast, today I did something different. I ate breakfast after my workout routine. As it turned out, it was easier for me to exercise. I felt lighter. So the first thing I did when I went outside to my garden was to put on my fitness gloves and jump on those rings. It felt great so I tried to do one pull-up. It worked! Afterward, even without a rest I decided to do a 20 second dead hang. Remember, yesterday I held it for 10 seconds. Without food in my stomach and with those special gloves I did it without too much stress. Then I went to pick up some fallen apples in the garden. So I repeated my 20 second dead hang routine 4 more times with 2 minute rest in between all the while walking around the garden and picking up apples. The last set was naturally the hardest. At first, I didn’t think I could make it. I thought my fingers would slip. But then with these gloves the grip held OK. So all it took for me those 10 minutes of exercise and now I’m 4 days closer to my goal of 10 pull-ups! Will I be able to do 2 pull-ups tomorrow? I highly doubt it but we’ll see. Last weekend Ausra’s cousin was visiting us and we had a lovely time interacting while walking in the old town of Vilnius. We even went up to see the stunning panorama from the bell tower of Vilnius University St John’s church. That’s the highest building in all of old town and hundreds of old red roofs were under our noses. Ausra was brave enough to climb the viewing place.
She has never done this before although she went to this bell tower many times. We all were very proud of her. Although we used an elevator to go up, we climbed down those 197 steps on foot. Even now, when 2 days have passed since this visit, I still have some muscle fatigue in the back of my legs because of climbing down. That morning we had a breakfast during which I talked to Ausra’s cousin about what it is we are doing online. I told her that if she has a special skill set (and she has - she is a high-in-demand physics teacher), she could teach a global audience through sharing her knowledge online on her blog. I also told her about my new From 0 to 10 Pull-Up challenge during which Ausra was quite skeptical because she saw me fail so many times before at various experiments and challenges in the past. But her cousin seemed impressed and said that my speech was inspiring to her. Then of course I suggested to her she could do some kind of challenge herself and share the process online. It was then when her enthusiasm left her and she said, she couldn’t even attempt to do it. She didn’t believe she could. How is it that some people start without even knowing how they will reach the end goal? It’s like jumping into the dark pool at night, not knowing how deep the pool is. It could be a few feet deep in which case you might break your neck and it could be 10 feet deep, enough to dive safely. But they still do it. They believe. And others don’t ever start because they don’t believe they have what it takes even though it’s clear for people who have done it that they can. They don’t have the bravery to believe. Therefore they feel they can’t, shouldn’t and won’t pursue their dreams. It’s exactly the opposite of what Stephen King wrote in his book On Writing: “You can, you should, and if you’re brave enough to start, you will.” I hope you’re doing just that. Today again I started my workout after breakfast. I don’t know why but I got lazy in the morning. I was rather writing about my Day 2 workout experiences than actually coming out to my garden and doing some dead hangs right away.
So anyway, feeling quite heavy after breakfast I came out and did one 10 second dead hang. Then I spent about 2 minutes picking fallen apples after which I again hanged on the bar for 10 seconds. I was surprised that it wasn’t particularly hard. Maybe my muscles are starting to adapt after all. I again picked up some more apples for 2 more minutes and returned to the bar. In this manner I did total of 5 sets of 10 second dead hangs. At the end I was so excited that I held the last dead hang for 20 seconds. However, since the gloves I was wearing where slippery, I placed my thumb under the other fingers. This was a mistake because afterward my thumbs started to look like they might develop blisters soon. This was supposed to be the end of today’s workout routine for me but… Soon afterward I received an SMS about the delivery of my gymnastic rings to the parcel automate which I ordered last weekend. So after lunch I drove there and picked this parcel up. Together with the rings I received a pair of special fitness gloves. From now on I will do my workouts the right way. When Ausra saw the rings being unwrapped she was very skeptical. She said it was one of those moments when I started something enthusiastically only to stop a few days or weeks later. This is true but then I wasn’t blogging about my challenges and experiments in public. So maybe this time it will be different… Now came the time to actually position those rings somewhere. At first I struggled with inserting the bands into the lock but after a while I figured out how to do it. So I went up to our balcony and started working on hanging the bands from there so that I could do the workouts from downstairs. Then Ausra came out and with a terrified look said that the balcony won’t hold my weight… I then said, Plan B and moved down to the garden and placed the rings on one of the thickest branches of an old apple tree. The branch was quite high and to reach it I had to use the ladder. I then tested the firmness of the rings and the branch with another 10 second dead hang. They seemed firm enough for my weight. Then I called Ausra to take a picture of me doing another 10 second dead hang. Without a t-shirt, of course. She said, “I hope you aren’t going to share it online since you look really ugly without a t-shirt.” “No”, I said, “it’s the BEFORE picture of my From 0 to 10 Pull-Ups challenge.” For a long time I had a recurring fear that I had forgotten to feed my pet. The feeling wasn’t nice - although I actually didn’t have pets since I was a kid, somehow this idea of discovering your pet after a while without any food was quite prevailing.
Maybe it was part of the guilt I was feeling because I sold my best friend Rex to another boy in hopes that my mom will buy me a bigger dog… Of course, she wouldn’t and she didn’t and maybe Rex was better off in the home where his best friend didn’t want to exchange him into something fancier and bigger. So people who have pets will understand this. When a new pet comes to their home, they suddenly are faced with the new responsibility to feed and take care of him. And at first the habit to do this isn’t there. You have to build it up over time. What happens when you don’t give food to your pet? Well, if it’s a dog, he starts to follow you everywhere, looks into your eyes and makes those yelping sounds. It’s similar with creativity. When you first set out to create a painting, a musical piece, a novel, a business or whatever, the burden to continue suddenly follows you everywhere you go. With every passing day you invest more and more of your time and energy into this new endeavor and you start feeling guilty when you’re not practicing it. The feeling of guilt is always hard to bear so the solution to this is simply to continue to create for a couple of months or so until the new habit will be forged. If you don’t skip a day and practice your art for 66 days in a row, after that you will start to miss it and you won’t have to force yourself to do it. It will a be part of your daily routine. For me the same thing is happening right now, because I’m on Day 3 of my 0 to 10 pull-up challenge. Every morning or afternoon or whenever I have to remember to do my set of exercises otherwise a feeling of guilt of not practicing will follow me all day long. Despite my many failed attempts in the past, this time I’m determined to see it through. It feels different this time maybe because I’m writing about it in public. This is how I get public accountability. If you haven’t started practicing your own challenge, I hope you will do it soon. “When you can do 5 pull-ups, then you call me,” my wife Ausra said to me yesterday during breakfast.
Her cousin was visiting us and I incidentally told them about my challenge. Ausra, of course, knowing about my failed past attempts to exercise for longer periods of time was skeptical. Ausra’s cousin seemed to be quite impressed by this challenge. Maybe it was because she didn’t know me as well as Ausra did. I said to her she could do something like that too if she wanted. But she said, no, she didn’t believe she could even attempt anything of that sort. Yes, believing is everything. If I didn’t believe in this challenge, I also wouldn’t bother to start. That’s the reason my initial goal is not 100 pull-ups, right? Nevertheless, after breakfast I asked them to go with me to the garden where my pull-up bar was. I went upstairs and changed my t-shirt and while they looked at flowers, apples and raspberries, I grabbed some gloves and did my set of 5 10 second dead hangs with 2 minute rests in between. Although I just had my breakfast, somehow it was easier to hang for 10 seconds on the bar. Maybe my shoulder and chest muscles are already slowly getting used to the idea that they will have to be miserable for the next few months… At the end of the last dead hang I attempted to do one pull-up. But no, I could only flex my hands half way before they gave out. You know how the first day of any challenge goes, right? A little scared and very excited…
I was a little scared that I picked the wrong challenge for myself and that I won’t last long enough to see the result. But at the same time I was very excited. I wanted to start training and do it right away. In the morning I went outside to my garden and put some gloves on because I knew what strength training can do to my musician hands over time. I decided to start my experiment with 5 dead hangs X 10 seconds each with 2 minutes rest in between exercises. This seemed like doable task for a beginner like me. So I jumped to the bar and held myself there while counting until 10. Good thing I put the gloves on because my hands wanted to slip. The gloves fastened my grip. After 10 seconds were over I walked around for a couple of minutes and ate an apple which was fallen from the tree. So juicy, so sweet… Then I repeated my dead hang 4 more times. Each time with some rest in between exercise. Each one was more difficult than the previous one. But not something too strenuous. I didn’t want to over-exert myself on the first try. I finished the last dead hang tired but not exhausted. A good start of the day. Until tomorrow! They almost didn’t let me graduate from high school because I couldn’t do any pull-ups. My PT teacher said I won’t get my diploma unless I’ll do something about it.
I got scared and for a couple of months before graduation went to the running track in the mornings to exercise. Luckily, I made some progress and they let me graduate. I’m 42 years old. Never properly trained in the gym for more than a few months in a row. Sure, I had my share of New Year’s resolutions, like every one else but they didn’t last long. So why now? What’s the deal with those pull-ups? A couple of days before I met my friend for coffee who has recently quit his main job and settled for a temporary solution for a year. During this year he was supposed to figure out what he would do when this year expired. So this time I asked him how his future plans are going? He said, he doesn’t know what he will do next year yet and he can’t do anything about it for 6 more months because he is busy working in his temporary position. Then I suggested the idea of experimenting and documenting his life in public. Basically Medium profile, pick a challenge for himself and document his way through this challenge. This way he will find his passions, he will find out what works for him and what doesn’t, he will see how the audience reacts to his ideas and gradually start to expand his network which will come handy when it’s time for him to monetize his efforts. On my way home, I thought, what about my own experiments and challenges? Am I doing enough of those? I went over the 4 main areas of my life: physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. In all but physical areas I was fairly active and I realized that although I’m exercising somewhat more or less regularly now, I struggle with long-term commitment and progress. I remembered those pull-ups from high school and discovered I wanted to start doing them again. OK, but what about the end result? What would my goal be? 100 pull-ups? This seemed unrealistic. May 50? Also too magical. How about 20? This seemed doable but I decided to settle for a smaller number because I didn’t want to waste my time. If I couldn’t force myself to advance to 10 pull-ups, how I would do 20? If 10 pull-ups weren’t achievable so maybe those aren’t for me. Maybe I would need to find some other challenge. We’ll find out in a few months. So there you go - I needed to start small so that I won't quit. I made quite a few efforts in the past but all of them didn't go anywhere because I was too ambitious. I always picked the wrong goal, the one which was too big for me. But not this time. 10 pull-ups is something I see myself doing in a few months. And of course I don't have to stop there. If I'm successful with 10, next time I can challenge myself with 20 or 30 or 50 or whatever number seems realistic. I found a rusty metal bar in my garden and put it between an apple tree and one of the buildings. I measured if it was horizontally OK and put a brick on one side to level it up. That’s it. I was ready to do some pull-ups. Except… I couldn’t. All I could do was to simply hang from the bar for a while until my hands couldn’t hold it anymore. So this seemed like my starting point. 0 pull-ups… I decided that the next day I would do some sets of dead hangs for starters. We’ll see how it goes. Oh, an by the way, feel free to join me in my challenge if you want or find your own challenge that fits your needs. |